Things women say in online dating profiles…

that they really shouldn’t.

And my replies beneath each:

 

1} I don’t want to play games.

If you said that 10-15 years ago, you wouldn’t in such a shitty romantic situation now.

 

2} I’ve had my fun, now I’m looking to settle down.

So all the other guys get the party favors and I get the mop.

No thanks.

 

3} I have a sense of humor since I like to make people laugh. I’m sarcastic.

That’s not a sense of humor.

A sense of humor is actually a defense mechanism against the trials/tribulations of life.

What you’re doing is utilizing a specific comedic style to gain approval/attention.

As an important point of relevance: It’s a style that takes little talent to use but a great deal of talent to use well.

 

4} If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best!

If you don’t give me your best I want nothing to do with your worst.

 

5} I’m a writer/I want to be a writer.

Some famous author, whose name escapes me, once said:

Everyone thinks they’re good at three things – fucking, driving and writing.

Most folks aren’t good at one of them, let alone more

 

6} I deserve the best and I won’t settle for anything less!

So if a restaurant bathroom doesn’t have a softest tissue, you won’t wipe your ass?

It’s called “life”.

And it makes adults learn how frequently important it is to be happy with what they get.

 

7} I only date guys x tall.

But if I say I only date women in a certain weight range I’m an asshole?

Biology Update – Your ability to lose weight is far greater than my ability to legitimately become 4 inches taller

 

8} My kids are my everything.

From what I can ascertain by the preponderance of the information provided, I conclude that you hate their dad and they were conceived by accident.

If this is indeed the case and the result is your “everything”, then you’re either lazy as shit or set the bar dreadfully low.

(They are not mutually exclusive.)

 

9} I want a man to treat me like a princess.

So you’re asking a man to force you to marry someone in whom you have no interest and, very likely, you have never met in order to foster peaceful relations between his country and another which is diplomatically at odds with it?

Because that’s how princesses were treated historically.

In the real world.

Not in Florida’s “Magic Kingdom”.

 

10} I’m blunt, strong and sassy. If you can’t handle that, move on.

Gladly.

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