See what I did there?

It’s pretty common knowledge, to anyone that pays the smallest bit of attention to human behavior, that the majority of women allow feelings to lead them over facts.

With that firmly in mind, permit me to point out:

1} How there is most certainly a double–standard in what men and women can say.

2} How “jokes” are funny unless a woman is at the butt of it.

3} How women are socially permitted to have standards but men are not.

Stefanie, an attractive 20-something, writes

“A Single Girl’s Open Letter to All Future Mr. Wrongs out there.”

“Hey Future Date,

“First of all, I’d like to say good luck. Dating me is no easy feat. In fact, a former beau once compared my complexity to a Rubik’s cube, so you’re in for a real treat. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you. And since this is just round one, let’s start off with a few basic ground rules …”

“Please don’t be married…. if you can’t fight the uncontrollable urge to lie about your marital status, you should probably Google your own name to make sure your wedding registry isn’t the first thing that pops up….It’s just not a good look for you. Or your marriage. Or men in general. God, I hate dating.”

“Now I know you’re a fan of the booze — and sometimes vodka tends to get the best of you. But when this happens, please don’t bark at strangers on the street. Sometimes even vodka can’t excuse you for getting on all fours in the middle of Manhattan……”

“Since you’ve successfully scored my number, I’m assuming we’ll be texting a bit before we decide to meet up again. Texting is a great way to keep in touch, we can totally do that. But please don’t accidentally send me a video of a random girl doing a striptease in your hotel room. Thanks for the gesture, but I’m totally good without it…”

“While I appreciate your enthusiasm, please don’t get ahead of yourself. We are not instantly married. Relationships take time to develop. Refrain from uttering brilliant one-liners like “we could have our last first kiss.” ….Too much too soon is creepy. It’s overkill. And honestly, it makes me feel like I’m smothered in a corner. Nobody puts baby in the corner.”

“Aaaaaaand that about sums it up. Now, if by any means you think any of my requests are out of line, please feel free to turn the other way and never speak to me again. Otherwise, we should be in good shape. So tell me about yourself, do you frequently do yard work with your shirt off?

Love Always, Stefanie”

Now, watch VERY closely—

“First of all, I’d like to say good luck. Though you won’t need it; dating me is an easy feat. In fact, some former girlfriends are still in love with me. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you. And since this is just round one, let’s start off with a few basic ground rules …”

“Please don’t be fat…. if you can’t fight the uncontrollable urge to shovel cupcakes [all women love cupcakes] in your mouth, you should probably Google your own name to make sure photos of you competing with other dirigibles for hangar space don’t pop up….It’s just not a good look for you. Or any woman, really. God, I hate dating.”

“Now I know you’re a fan of drama—and sometimes drama tends to get the best of you. But when this happens, please don’t claim every woman in your life is trying to destroy you. Sometimes even drama can’t distract me from how utterly vapid and plebeian you are…”

“Since you’ve successfully scored my number, I’m assuming we’ll be texting a bit before we decide to meet up again—since women need that extra layer between themselves and commitment, these days. Texting is a lame way to keep in touch; however, we can do that. But please don’t intentionally send me one word answers or emoticons. Thanks for the gesture, but I’m totally good without them or, when it comes down to it, you…”

“While I appreciate your enthusiasm, please don’t get ahead of yourself. This is not Target and, even if it happens to be, I’m certainly not on the shelf. Relationships take time to develop. Refrain from uttering brilliant one-liners like “so what’s your job/income/kind of car do you drive?” ….Too superficial, too transparent = creepy. It’s terrifying. And honestly, it makes me feel like I’m a wallet with ears. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.”

“Aaaaaaand that about sums it up. Now, if by any means you think any of my requests are out of line, please feel free to comfort–eat yourself [and your rationalization hamster] into a diabetic coma. Otherwise, we should be in good shape. So tell me about yourself, do you frequently do house–work in a saucy, French maid outfit?

Love maybe,

A♠

Of course, having met neither of us, the default assumption for the masses will be:

She’s just a fun, sassy gal being strong/assertive and doesn’t mean any harm.

While I’m a bitter, angry, cruel misogynist with a small penis that can’t get laid and will die alone.

Correct?

Rhetorical.

Ω

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10 Responses to “See what I did there?”

  1. The feminine attracts the masculine.

    Men are the gatekeepers to commitment.

    Word.

  2. Brilliant reversal and you’re approximation of value judgement cast against you vs. Stef’s identical role reversed post.

  3. Hola! I’ve been reading your weblog for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Atascocita Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the great work!

  4. Hamster Tamer Says:

    Well played! MASTERFUL turnabout! Wicked satire on ze wimminz.

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