“Here and now I’m gone; there and far beyond…”

Pavlov would’ve been proud.

Every time I’d smell what nurses call a “flush” (a neutral liquid injected into IV’s to clear them for a subsequent drug treatment through the same passage), I would get excited.

See, my body and mind had already connected the dots from the flush to the dose of Dilaudid they’d give me.

Dilaudid is a powerful narcotic painkiller.

And I was in love.

 

 

I’d push myself to activity until the suffering became almost unbearable.

Then I’d call for a hit.

The sensation was unforgettable.

 

 

The flow of it into my arm.

The almost instantaneous feeling of falling in my abdomen.

Followed quickly by a high I’d never before experienced.

 

 

I’d lay in the dark.

No light.

No sound.

Just the drug.

And the heights to which it would carry me.

Oh, yes.

I was in love.

 

 

Months later, when I’d visited my mother’s grave, I walked [as I always did] a few more feet.

To the graveside of my cousin.

Who’d overdosed [listed as “accidental”, though most believed it intentional] on heroin at the age of 29.

A brilliant, handsome young man that had shined in both school and at work.

Yet was possessed by demons of the self that few ever understood.

 

 

It was then I realized drugs do not kill because they are “bad”.

They kill because they break the chains that bind us to this life.

And many of us, for reasons good or ill, have less an attachment to it than others.

 

 

 

 

Ω

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9 Responses to ““Here and now I’m gone; there and far beyond…””

  1. Wow. I just keep reading this over & over…

  2. “They kill because they break the chains that bind us to this life.

    And many of us, for reasons good or ill, have less an attachment to it than others.”

    Been there Ace. Still a struggle not to fall back into that trap, if you can call it a trap, personally I don’t. Oh well, there’s always alcohol.

  3. I love drugs. Mushrooms, Mescaline, Kratom, Opium, Alcohol, Tobacco…..but I also love life. I work so much that my one unbreakable rule (no drugs at work) keeps me safe from falling into the spiral of destruction.

    I’ve lost 3 friends to OD. It sucks.

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  5. […] [drugs] kill because they break the chains that bind us to this […]

  6. “the feeling of falling in my abdomen.” Heights unattainable and never fully realized are those rooms of bliss we escaped into from our own individual hells, and how little they aided us. Sometimes the chains are so small I think I might just sink under or float away, but I still get up out of bed, surprised by the new day.

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