“I learned nothing but I swear I’ll never forget…”






This post is not aimed at Pillscout, as he addresses my concerns [to a certain degree] in his closing lines.

But this particular passage of his did prompt me to write for others that may be unaware of some facts:

“We were dealt a raw deal in this day and age, and while others call doom-and-gloom about it, I just shrug and note that we really do live in interesting times.”



Anyone under 30 in the ‘sphere has that luxury.

They can see the Leviathan and cope with the rules and machinations, as its been rather clearly and effectively analyzed.

Plus, for the majority of them, prior to having to Truly deal with it.


However, what gets forgotten all too easily is the countless blind men [such as Deti, myself, et al] that scrambled in the darkness.

Feeling around.

And describing the elephant to one another.

For years.

If not decades.
Now, young men can benefit from the confusion, suffering and sacrifice with press of a button or the click of a link.

But it took an uncountable pile of shattered lives, dreams and beliefs to bring that wisdom so well within reach.

No, we were no soldiers.

Soldiers get paid, at least.

We just got scars.
Want to understand?

Go to jail [for a crime you didn’t commit – that’s key] for 10, 20, 30, 40+ years.

Tell me how you feel when you get out.

Describe to me how you look at people.

Share your thoughts on all that was taken from you.

Especially the one thing that can never be regained:

Until then:

Don’t deny me my anger.

That was – remains – my one and only gift.

And you’ve no right to it.




23 Responses to ““I learned nothing but I swear I’ll never forget…””

  1. Interestingly, I went to jail for something I didn’t really do, but I only got a 6 month sentence. Even though it turned out to be somewhat less than the harrowing ordeal I had imagined, I carried a lot of bitterness and anger around with me for quite a while afterwards, mainly that I’d had to go through such mental anguish of fearful anticipation, and for the worry and concern that my loved ones had to endure.

    • In reference to your post, I’m extremely grateful that the resource of the manosphere existed, having been forged through trial and tribulation by others. There’s no way I’d have reached this place of fulfilment and happiness in such a short time without it.

      • “There’s no way I’d have reached this place of fulfillment and happiness in such a short time without it.”


        As much as I’d figured out prior to my arrival:

        It’s been a great boon to me.

    • I’m sorry you had to experience such a thing.


  2. I won’t deny you your anger…but I will provide a retort and a word of caution.

    Even righteous or justified anger can eventually put you into prison if you let it get out of control.

    Because that’s how my life was up until recently. In the process of having legit anger…instead of focusing it on the correct person…I took it out on everybody, including myself. Eventually it led to a prison of fear, anxiety, and loneliness. It dulled some of the best times of my life…and was a catalyst for the worst times. In a very real sense…the anger robbed me of my humanity.

    I can’t get that time back…all I have is the lessons it taught me and whatever time I have left on this planet.

    The anger will probably always pull at my heartstrings…but the lesson I learned is to use it very sparingly.

    • Earl,

      I do, Truly, appreciate your words of caution.

      I have, in fact, already progressed to the state you mention.

      However, the point of my post was what you state in your closing line.

      The anger may be used sparingly and judiciously.

      But it’s there.

      And will forever remain.

  3. Interesting post.

    I was discussing the topic of anger and bitterness with Zampano.

    It was decided that it was a necessary thing to go thorugh – but important that the person going through it eventually got past it. And how can they without support and some vision of how things can get better?

    I would not deny you your anger. It was part of what kept you going and in a way set you free.

    However, would you say you knew what is was like before you got screwed over? When things were not the way they are now?

    The chief cause of anger I see now not necessarily being fed the lies for an entire life time and learning of it. I believe the chief cause of anger in my age is displeasure at never truly having known different. The men in my age, you could say, never truly know how things should be.

    That is why we need both the young men and the old.


    • “I would not deny you your anger. It was part of what kept you going and in a way set you free.”

      You are absolutely correct.

      In fact, much of that anger was aimed directly at myself.

      Hence, prompting change more than (though not exclusively) blame.

      “However, would you say you knew what is was like before you got screwed over? When things were not the way they are now?”

      Ever so vaguely.

      Like the scent of sweet perfume on the breeze.



      But ethereal and fleeting.

  4. What makes you so certain we’re not still scrambling in the dark?

    Or that some of us are, and will?

    • Vicomte,

      I confess we may yet be bathed in shadow.

      But we are by no means in an ineffable darkness.

      Forgive me, but I do not understand your second question.

  5. Its true, we had no choice but to take it.

    I wish I could say something positive about it, but we got shafted and the worst thing was that we did not know what was happening.

    I dont know that anger describes my feelings, but I will most likely never get married, or have children, or ever trust a woman again.

    Disillusioned to the bone is more like it.

  6. Well, Ace, this glimpse into your mind helps to clear things up. Thanks for the raw explanation; you’re coming into sharper focus.

    You must realize that the elephant was already described for us, long, long ago. Yes? We simply failed to recognize him and understand him—and fight him.

    We all pay a high price for refusing the Truth. We stumble around blindly, not recognizing the old Dragon in the dark. He desires to torment us and draw us deeper into the hellish pit. Don’t go.

    Righteous anger has its proper place, of course. Do yourself a favor and direct it toward the real enemy. As long as you fight the good fight, you’ll find friends willing to stand with you, despite the cost.

    And some of us are fighting mad.

  7. Digger Nick Says:

    Shit, this post rings true for most of us. I’ve broken down so many fucking times, can’t imagine what it’s like for weaker guys. I’d figure they just give up and stop trying.

    Rage’s a good thing, drives you ever onward.

    • Nick,

      I am deeply, sincerely and Truly grateful for your confession.

      I’ll prove my honesty with my consistency:

      Go back a bit in my posts/comments and you’ll see I give more credit to those that admit to weakness than I do those that boast strength.

      “I’ve broken down so many fucking times, can’t imagine what it’s like for weaker guys.”

      Agreed 1,000 fold.

      Were you to never have broken down, I’d have thought you a liar.

      Or, worse:

      A fool.

      • I know you won’t believed this now, probably not in this lifetime, but time is one thing you have in complete abundance. We are immortal spiritual beings having a quick human experience. Our lives, these bodies we haul around… are like t-shirts to our souls… quickly shed for another when so chosen. Why? Time.

        Our time is infinite. We have nothing to do but use up time. You can sit around in a state of perfection for only so long before you get a little bored. This planet is an amusement park, Rubik’s Cube, game of Clue and blindfold paintball, all at the same time. Blow your gas tank, pitstop and come back for another lap. The beauty with you Ace, is you’ll find your own writings in your next lifetime, probably when you’re a pre-teen. Everything you’re saying today will be to your own benefit further down the highway.

        But I’ve said enough, time to run.

      • Every part of me prays that you’re right.

        And weeps.

        For reasons good and bad.

  8. knowethnaught Says:

    Ace, just want to say how grateful I am for the older men posting in the ‘sphere. I’m about to turn 24 and have been reading around these parts for 12 months. I just stumbled into your blog tonight (I can’t even remember from where I came, it was a tab I opened somewhere).

    This blog is a step above the rest. As I read you answer the questions and fill the gaps that I’m left with after reading elsewhere. It’s like a bridge between the Christian blogs and the game blogs where you speak things missed on either side. The Christian blogs tell me to marry ASAP, the game blogs tell me to marry never, you tell me to marry, but only after/if I have a solid foundation – which is exactly how I’ve always felt.

    You also made another comment that summarized my thoughts on relationships into a succinct sentence which I could never do. People are always shocked when I tell them I’ve never had a girlfriend, and when they ask me why I never really know what to say. I’ve read so many of your posts today I can’t remember where it was but it went something like “The ultimate goal of male female relations is reproduction.”
    Until and including now I’m unsure if I want to reproduce. Therefore I don’t have nor have ever had a girlfriend. That is far easier than trying to explain to them why I’m not interested in an aimless LTR.

    So you are totally right. I have not had to deal with confusion, suffering and sacrifice to the extent of our founders. Yet I benefit from their willingness to share their hard earned wisdom and knowledge. And for this I am truly grateful.

    • It’s men like you that keep me writing.

      I appreciate your words more than I could possibly express.

      So, sadly, a heartfelt “thank you” will have to suffice.

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