“Burnt the flowers in my hand, I was almost there…”






I couldn’t tell you what day it was. 


I was drunk.


Every one of them.


I’d stumble out of bed.


Turn on my laptop.


Light a cigarette.


Fix a Jack & Coke.


And start writing.


I kept this up for years.


[I’d saved so much money from my quashed government career, I could afford to do so.]




Again, I couldn’t tell you what day it was.


But when I leaned on the wall, sliding myself along it to get to the bathroom and shat blood—


I knew I should reconsider my actions.




A couple years prior to that, my ex had cheated on me and dumped me (via text).


On Christmas Eve.


Yet, for the next few months, she’d text and send pictures.


Saying she missed me.


But she couldn’t get back together.




One morning, she called.


I still had her in my phone.


So I knew it was her.


It was then I realized:


If I answer, she’ll keep the torment going.


Like reaching for candy in bag filled with broken glass.


I knew, then, I should reconsider my actions.




So here’s my question:


What’s the difference between those two situations?








Don’t worry.


It’s a trick question.




There isn’t a difference.


But it’s shocking how many believe there is.


Some are reading this, thinking:


“I wasn’t fooled!”




So you’ve never said:


“One more hit/toke/needle/drink/kiss/fuck is worth the suffering.”


Only to find out, way too late—


It wasn’t?


Well, brother, you learned faster than I did:


If it’s killing you, stop inviting it into your life.


Or you’ll soon have no life into which it may enter.







6 Responses to ““Burnt the flowers in my hand, I was almost there…””

  1. Good post and good song.

    Self-destruction, self-indulgence. It’s all related and anyone who denies it is lying to themselves to keep the circus of pain and pleasure going.

    Then there are those that want the pain. Maybe they think they deserve it.

    Above all, they seem to think it’s normal.

    “Part and parcel of” living, they might say.

    • Wald,

      “Self-destruction, self-indulgence. It’s all related and anyone who denies it is lying to themselves to keep the circus of pain and pleasure going.

      Outstandingly well said.

      Great job.

      • Regrettably, the only reason I was able to articulate it well was because it takes one to know one.

        That some of my addictions are not medically recognized as such doesn’t make them any less deleterious or addictive.


  2. The word ‘Thanatos’ came to mind.

    When the book of Revelation talks of killing “with Death” the word ‘thanatos’ is used. The common interpretation is that it will be some Illuminati superbug that sweeps the world like the Spanish influenza.

    I think it’s something rather different. The rider of the Pale Horse, to me, represents a general unwellness that triggers the ‘death impulse’ in people. It’s a virus all right, but it’s a mental and emotional virus.

    An organized and focussed mind must confront a world riddled with it. Like coming face to face with Chthulhu (whom you alluded to in our last chat) – something so overwhelming, so sanity-bending, that stirs up the cortisol to such an extent that you must intervene to keep it from killing you. As you have noted yourself, drugs loosen our bonds to this life. This can be lifesaving too; after all, you never did put the bullet in that gun.

    This is disjointed as hell so pardon the ramble:

    How could your ex do what she did? Perhaps when your career was deep sixed some illusion of hers was also shattered. She initiated the process in you by going off the rails herself. Otherwise why in hell would she keep contacting you? Don’t women just move on, without a thought? This is just ludicrous, insane behaviour.

    Why do Women succumb so readily to the Thanatos impulse, destroying their minds and bodies over the craving for or loss of ‘Daddy?’

    Because this Man was TOO important to her.

    Men always hold their cards close to the chest because they could lose what they laboured so diligently to build IN AN INSTANT. Including their relationships with Women. But you aren’t the type to ‘go along to get along’ (which is just a slower form of Thanatos) so at some inflection point the collapse was virtually instantaneous.

    This post triggered some thoughts, perhaps they make sense.

    • JD,

      I couldn’t possibly cosign the above more than I do.

      I’ve read the comment three times now and it just keeps getting increasingly accurate.


      • A♠,

        If it helps, if it brings clarity, then all good.

        If not, feel free to delete it. I’ve been dunked in that particular vat of acid myself and have no desire to give booster shots to a friend.

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