“You could be right, they might come for me at night – an angry mob with torches bright outside my door…”

 

 

 

 

 

I do a great deal of research at a local college library.

 

It suits me there because it stays open late (0200 closing, most nights).

 

Needless to say, I’ve become solid acquaintances (I don’t like throwing around the word “friends” lightly) with some of the employees. 

 

 

 

While chatting with one of the staff, I watched a female coworker of his celebrate her successful effort to manipulate/guilt him into buying her soda just prior to my arrival.

 

Like so many men, he had aresigned look as if this is just the way things are supposed to be.

 

Anyone that’s spent even a moderate amount of time reading/listening to me should accurately guess what happened next.

 

 

 

See, I lost my government career standing up for what’s right.

 

So I sure as Hell will put the impression of me held by a few night-shifters at risk for it.

 

I looked her in the eye as I addressed him:

 

I’d have told her the water fountain is over there. 

 

Of course, once her initial shock faded, she immediately complained about fountain water’s temperature and level of filtration.

 

I cut her off, tersely saying:

 

Then bring money next time. 

 

Or go thirsty.

 

It’s no one’s problem but yours.

 

I then turned my gaze on him, and quoted ► my first book ◄:

 

 

If you give your dog a treat every time it pisses on the carpet, then don’t be shocked by the cleaning bill.

 

 

 

This brings me to this week’s homework assignment.

 

Practice saying “no” and voicing displeasure.

 

Of course, use thoughtful discretion regarding any helpless children or employers (for reasons I believe to be obvious).

 

But, otherwise, stand firm.

 

 

 

Now, one thing to keep in mind is tone and attitude while doing such.

 

Don’t be petulant. 

 

Don’t whine.

 

Don’t be combative.

 

[If absolutely necessary, leave the area right after, until you get accustomed to disappointing/upsetting people.]

 

In short:

 

Simply “be yourself”.

 

And understand that act is often much more difficult than is commonly realized.

 

 

 

 

 

7♣

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14 Responses to ““You could be right, they might come for me at night – an angry mob with torches bright outside my door…””

  1. A post expanding on boundaries.

    Would you include “No, you will not treat me this way” in the list of no’s?

    Or is that slightly different, requiring a different nuance?

    [Maybe I’ll re-read this and realize I’m asking a question I already know the answer to. But perhaps someone else has the same question]

    Wald

    • Wald,

      “Would you include “No, you will not treat me this way” in the list of no’s?”

      Yes, I would.

      Sorry for the late reply.

      A♠

      • I just remembered, I had an excellent boundary maintenance with the girlfriend of one friend of mine:

        I’ll post the conversation for you and friends. I’ll say that my homework is to keep doing this:

        Her: 2338hrs

        “Hey [Wald], is [Friend] with you?
        He isn’t home yet. I thought he was on his way over an hour ago
        Please call me as soon as you get this
        I need to talk to him. He needs to come home”

        *Misc Call* 2344hrs

        *Misc Call* 2347hrs
        _______________

        Me: 2353hrs

        Hey [GF of my Friend]
        I convinced him to stay longer to hear me sing another song
        ________________

        Her: 2354hrs

        Tell him I am very very very angry right now
        With both of you
        For not telling me he’s be out this late

        I am admittedly more angry at him than you. Just – last time [Friend] was out too late he actually wandered off and the police found him three miles from home. He didn’t know where he was or what our address is. It was a nightmare.
        ________________

        Me: 1558hrs the next day

        Listen, I appreciate that you were concerned for your boyfriend, but three things:

        1) He’s my friend and I make sure my friends get home safe. I got him an Über last night and waited until he was picked up. He only had three beers.

        2) I convinced him to stay longer to hear my other songs before I knew the situation at home.

        3) You don’t order me around. Next time you speak in that tone or tell me what to do, I just won’t respond and you’ll be forced to wonder what’s going on until he gets back
        ________________

        Her: 1601hrs

        You’re right and I am sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way, and it was not fair of me to be angry at either of you. Ultimately I panicked instead of thinking clearly, and that is something I need to work on. And I should know that I can trust you to be responsible – you wouldn’t be where you are today if you weren’t. So I’m really sorry, and I’m going to work on my mistakes, so that I don’t create another crisis like I did last night.
        ________________

        Me: 1706hrs

        I understand. Apology accepted. It’s water under the bridge now, [GF of Friend]😊

        I wish you and [Friend] all the best, a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year’s 😊
        ________________

        Her: 1728hrs

        All the same to you. You have a warm and merry Christmas and new year. See you in 2018 🙂
        ________________

        What do you think?

        Wald

    • Wald,

      This is in response to your posted text exchange:

      You did admirably!

      You made your point without resorting to attacks.

      You phrased things as to how you were being treated, not how she should treat people (an important distinction).

      Once she apologized, you clearly and explicitly accepted it and moved onward.

      Perfect.

      Anything else would cause her to write you off as an asshole unworthy of contrition.

      Although, you didn’t need my thoughts.

      The results spoke for themselves.

      Stay well,

      A♠

  2. Sutton Coldfield Says:

    I had a subordinate breach protocol severely yesterday afternoon (as in, I will fire them if this ever happens again). I had to make that clear to them in no uncertain terms. The odd thing is—because I am traveling and working remotely, I had to do this electronically rather than face-to-face. That was easier, but I wonder if I should have tried harder to make it face-to-face, even if vastly more inconvenient.

    • Sutton,

      “I wonder if I should have tried harder to make it face-to-face, even if vastly more inconvenient.”

      I would advocate such matters be handled face to face 99% of the time.

      However, in fairness to you, it was “vastly more inconvenient”.

      The key is in how honest you are being with yourself and your subordinate:

      If it really was tremendously difficult to do so, then it’s a permissible exception.

      Otherwise, learn from the error and do not repeat it.

      Please DO NOT read this as me impugning your behaviors regarding truthfulness.

      I’m merely stating my criteria.

      All the best to you and yours,

      A♠

      • Sutton Coldfield Says:

        So far so good. At the very next all-hands meeting I gave a “come to Jesus” talk based on Extreme Ownership. Managed to keep it positive but sent a very targeted message without embarassing anyone.

    • “So far so good. At the very next all-hands meeting I gave a ‘come to Jesus’ talk based on Extreme Ownership. Managed to keep it positive but sent a very targeted message without embarrassing anyone.”

      That’s excellent.

      I usually don’t care for the group talk with targeted subtext but, as you’d already notified the individual of the grievous error, I think this was the correct path as anything else would’ve been overkill.

      All the best to you,
      A♠

  3. I’ve observed over the past four or five years several occasions where a young woman tried to extract money or goods from me without payment.

    A (very sexy) nite-shift clerk at a gas station had a tip jar. She was quite shameless about pointing it out as I was leaving. ( I ignored that part)

    A cutie with a cardboard box walking around a crowded bar soliciting “a dollar to tickle my box”. I had too much class to ask her what I could get for twenty.

    Two young things after hours asked me if they could bum a smoke. I said “sure” – I’d lend a dart to any homeless guy, so why not them? But they were talking between them “see how easy it is?”

    #GiveYourMoneyToWomen. FinDom. Cuckoldry. “Rinsing”.

    Just don’t be that guy, you’re already miles ahead. It’s bad out there.

    • Eduardo the Magnificent Says:

      I’ve always said every man should have to check IDs at a night club before he’s fully considered a man. Why? You have to learn to tell women NO! You’re going to be offered everything under the sun by hot girls who want that wristband so they can drink. Phone numbers, blowjobs, you name it. They never come through, though. As soon as they’re in that club, you’re yesterday’s garbage. It only takes one time, and you never forget it. You actually have a better chance getting that blowjob if you tell her no than if you give her what she wants. As in, the odds become >0.

      • You’re right, there is absolutely no benefit in being a pushover. None.

      • Eduardo,

        Excellent comment.

        “You’re going to be offered everything under the sun by hot girls who want that wristband so they can drink… It only takes one time, and you never forget it.”

        Hit me like a punch to the gut.

        Sincere thanks for sharing.

        A♠

    • JD,

      “Just don’t be that guy, you’re already miles ahead”

      Flawlessly stated.

  4. […] Ace emphasizes the necessity of standing firm: “You could be right, they might come for me at night—an angry mob with torches bright outsid… […]

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