“Fly to your tomorrow…”

 

 

 

 

 

[A reworked and expanded version of this post will appear as a new chapter in the revised edition of ► The Holistic Guide to Suicide ◄]

 

 

My posts have been consistently last minute, I freely admit.

 

(Though I’m proud to say there’s been a post for every week since I’ve begun this year’s project, as promised.)

 

This is not without good reason.

 

I’m trying to move, once more.

 

 

 

See, I moved from Philadelphia a few years ago to Oklahoma.

 

Now I’m moving within the state (for the second time).

 

I’ve become a bit of an itinerant, it appears.

 

Oddly enough, the old me – the one prior to disintegrating into cigarette ashes afloat upon a lake of whiskey – never moved. 

 

Traveled, sure.

 

But never really moved… more than 10 miles from where I was born, to be clear.

 

I felt too tied to friends.

 

Too obligated to family. 

 

Too beholden to jobs.

 

 

 

My mother and grandmother often dissuaded me from relocating.

 

My father didn’t take enough interest in me to counter them.

 

It was only after those two powerful, female influences in my life died – and my grief-stricken dad fled the state in the interim of their respective deaths – did the idea finally cross my mind in any meaningful sense.

 

Upon voicing the prospect to a close friend, he replied:

 

“Go.

 

No one needs you here.”

 

Hearing that made me sympathize with gunshot victims.

 

The words rang in my ears; their impact almost knocked me to the floor.

 

 

 

It took me a bit to recover, but I saw the Truth of his statement.

 

My friends were grown men and women with lives (and sometimes children) of their own.

 

My family was dead or had abandoned me.

 

My fiancé had betrayed me and gone.

 

My job had fired me.

 

I was completely unnecessary. 

 

Without melodrama, I can say honestly:

 

I was a man without a people, a family and – in an almost literal fashion – without a country.

 

 

 

Although I saw the Truth in his words, I would misunderstand that particular Truth.

 

I interpreted the words as a rejection.

 

An abjuration of the ghost I’d become.

 

A banishing of the oft-summoned “Jersey Devil” (the nicknamed I’d acquired years prior).

 

Thus, I crawled into a row home in a Philadelphia ghetto to complete the suicide I’d begun.

 

However, I’d be fortunate enough to reinterpret that enervating statement a year or so later.

 

 

 

While talking with folks online (via my writing on this blog and another), I’d discover I still had things to offer the world.

 

That what my friend had meant (he’d later confirm this) was that the person that needed me most was myself.

 

That my time in the area was over but not the world.

 

That there were other rivers in need of fording; roads to travel; friends to meet; and enemies to harry.

 

Though I’d filled my purpose there, my purpose itself was still extant.

 

 

 

Thus I say to you:

 

If it seems to you that exstence is purposeless, that people are distant and work is little more than a chore for a paycheck:

 

Accept that the fields have gone barren.

 

Then plant new seeds elsewhere.

 

In short:

 

Don’t give up on life; give up on the geography.

 

 

 

So, if the sad conditions I mentioned apply to you, dear reader:

 

Shake the dust from your wings.

 

Stretch them well.

 

And fly onward.

 

With new perspectives will come new meaning.

 

 

 

 

 

2♦

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3 Responses to ““Fly to your tomorrow…””

  1. A♠,

    “Go. No one needs you here.”

    In other words, for the first time in your life you were truly free. The ties that bind, dissolved. Your sense of obligation, fulfilled.

    Your dad actually did the same thing. He had to get out of there. It wasn’t ‘home’ anymore. Probably where you were concerned, he did and said all he’d knew to say. As I’ve learned with my own father, nobody give what they don’t have in them to give.

    The irony in my situation is, I’m back in my hometown because I AM needed here. Six years’ absence indicated that everything would blow up without me. It answered a lot of questions about the kind of family I grew up in, and not all of the answers were pleasant. But it must be admitted, the vindication has helped.

    As disruptive as it must be with the things going on in your life right now, I’m damned glad you took on this year’s project.

    • JD,

      Well said and I’m compelled to agree with your summation.

      As far as this project goes:

      Although it’s been tougher than expected, I’m very glad, too.

      Thanks for saying so.

      All my best,

      A♠

  2. May the wind blow you where you are meant to be.

    Or fight and conquer.

    In both conquest and submission, and virtuous grow stronger.

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