“…crawl on hands and knees until you see you’re just like me…”
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Imagine I were to open a jar for you – unasked – when I saw you start to struggle with it.
Imagine I took the ratchet away from you – unrequested – and got things running after you had a tough time repairing your car.
Would you be grateful?
Or would you be mildly perturbed that I didn’t give you a chance to prove that you could do those things yourself?
Admittedly, the key words there are “unasked” and “unrequested” but they’re necessary qualifiers for this thought experiment.
Did you answer to yourself?
My guess is you’d be mildly perturbed.
If I’m correct, understand that’s how women feel when they confide in you regarding a current bout of ▶ suffering ◀ they’re enduring and you immediately rush to stem it.
Relatedly, men often push women away when those men are in need/down and out/feeling beat/et al.
This is similarly foolish and ▶ self-defeating ◀.
Women want agency (during moments such as those, at the very least).
So ▶ grant ◀ it to her.
It’s bitterly amusing how many men complain about not finding quality females yet unwittingly rebuff those that appear during dark times.
Anecdotal, I confess, but the vast majority of quality women entered my life when I was least worthy (according to, ahem, “conventional wisdom”) to have them.
I suspect I’m not alone in this.
Remember, a woman is built for ▶ resilience ◀.
So don’t deny her the opportunity to prove she’s got it—
In spades.
80-Proof Oinomancy 
August 29, 2018 at 10:54 am
A frequent complaint from a former* (*I use this word very intentionally) girlfriend of mine, is that I didn’t open up to her. She felt I didn’t trust her and ultimately, it made her feel unloved (though she left the second part out most of the time).
In truth, I didn’t like discussing family matters with her. Or anyone in that respect. Sometimes, it was a family issue I was embarrased about.
Then later I saw how, despite me being insensitive about a family issue of hers around my birthday, nearly a year before, she sprung into action when she heard my Mom had a stroke. Our previously flagging relationship was the strongest it had been all of a sudden. Had I had the 8 month break between college and my chosen profession, we might have continued onto to this day.
It’s no coincidence, that me letting her hear about my family issue and appreciating her for being there led her to telling me, “For the time in a while, I feel like you love me.”
While we’re not together anymore – she’s made it clear to me multiple times that should another misfortune befall me, and it’s hard to bear alone, her heart is always available to help share the pain.
Wald
August 29, 2018 at 9:43 pm
Wald,
One of the biggest reasons I’ll never be very popular is much (if not all) of my work demands the reader understand nuance and degrees of action. To have an “all or nothing” approach to most things I discuss is not only counterproductive but – at times – dangerous. You understand this well, especially at this point. You grasp exactly what I meant here, which is – were I to sum it all up in one line: share your burdens when asked (either vocally or wordlessly). Men, even now, fail to understand women do not have the same desires. If she offers to suffer (large or small, in ways major or minor, emotionally, financially, et al), let her. This is to neither condone abuse nor encourage it; merely to let her decide when/what to endure, when “enough is enough” and then, of course, respect it.
All the best to you & yours,
A♠
August 30, 2018 at 12:53 pm
A♠,
In retrospect I can see times when I pushed my women away when they only wanted to be helpful. My relentless self-loathing and desperate pursuit of elusive success, eventually overpowered even their resilience.
In the end, I stood alone and undefeated. Reigning supreme over a field of smoking craters, without and within.
A hard lesson, bitterly hard. But a man who refuses to face himself will just wander out there and screw up more lives.
Thanks, amigo. I’ll be thinking about this post for a while.
JD
August 31, 2018 at 1:55 am
JD,
“My relentless self-loathing and desperate pursuit of elusive success, eventually overpowered even their resilience.”
That is possibly the only way one should not test female resilience.
Sincere thanks for the confession.
All my best,
A♠
September 5, 2018 at 7:43 pm
A♠,
You’re right, of course. And it left me ill-equipped to pass their tests in kind. I won’t be seeking another ‘helpmeet’ until I’ve some way she can actually ‘help’.
(Willingness is naturally a relevant metric too)
Cheers,
JD
August 30, 2018 at 9:32 pm
Excellent stuff, particularly the first part – unsolicited advice/help is rarely welcome.
A word of warning to others, though, from one who knows all too well: if a woman is there when you’re at your lowest point, there may be a …”pragmatic” reason for it.
The heart is never more susceptible than when it is broken and empty; “Natura abhorret vacuum”.
What better way/time to secure commitment from a man, than when you become his confidant, his supporter, his lone source of comfort in a harsh and unforgiving world?
This is not to say that it’s certain, or even likely, that this is the case if a woman expresses a desire to help you when you’re down. Merely a cautionary reminder.
August 31, 2018 at 1:56 am
Tharwolf,
Thanks for your kind words.
Also, the cautionary reminder is a good one.
All the best,
A♠
September 1, 2018 at 1:04 pm
Ace, once again you demonstrate you are the most under-appreciated blogger in the ‘sphere. So much wisdom to be found here, and in the comments.
I mean, just look at the importance nuance of when to open up or not- when solicited to. Women don’t want a man who vomits his feelings at her, but do want a man who will let her vicariously bear his burdens when she feels like she wants to.
September 5, 2018 at 5:48 am
Donal,
As always, sincere thanks for the compliment.
And, obviously, I’m in full agreement regarding the importance of nuance.
All the best to you & yours,
A♠