“I don’t wanna be saved, I don’t wanna be sober; I want you on my mind…”






One of the biggest mistakes a man can make is commiserating with a recently separated woman (if the separation was undesirable to her – this qualification is crucial).


It’s a common error.


Lord knows I’ve made it more than a few times myself.


Understandable, of course, from a male perspective since – on the surface – it would appear to be a supportive act.


However, look again.




As we cast our gaze back to moments we made that particular error, recall a few things:


1} Women communicate via ▶ subtext ◀ far more than they ever do overtly.


2} To women, a ▶ sense of humor ◀ is not crafting and executing jokes; it’s a refusal to take life too seriously.


3} The ▶ nature of love ◀ from each sex differs significantly.




What needs to be understood is that the ongoing vilification of a (former) lover by the female in question is not an exhortation for the benefit of others.


It’s not an alarm.


It’s not warning.


It is a shedding of skin.




The purpose of the process is not actually to destroy him in the eyes of others.


(Not in this exact context, at least.)


It’s to disentangle her from the numerous, invisible – yet extraordinarily potent – threads that ▶ bind her to him ◀.


Cutting him is cutting the strands tying the two of them.




This is also why women never react well to men who join in on the attacks.


In fact, this is the reason women will often turn on those men who do.


It’s viewed – by the females in question – as a move to subvert the efforts to such a man’s [the commiserator’s]  benefit.


In short:


Instead of letting her free herself, he attempts to rebind her.


Specifically, to an unrequested and unwanted replacement.




Is the aforementioned vilification just?


That’s immaterial to this conversation.


She feels the need to break with him.


So she does as she must.


She always does.


And she always will.








6 Responses to ““I don’t wanna be saved, I don’t wanna be sober; I want you on my mind…””

  1. “So she does as she must.

    She always does.

    And she always will.”

    = Pragmatism

  2. A♠,

    This is a great exposition on how a woman can be utterly eviscerating to some turkey who did her dirty, and next week be seen with him again.

    Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

    It’s literally only about how he makes her feel, and he has to literally screw things up enough times that she can cut enough ties.

    Unless you’re the Ultimate Alpha Nitro Gorilla F**kBeast (LOL) it’s useless to even respond … she doesn’t even see you, she just sees a grayed-out cipher that materializes tissues and platitudes ..

    .. yeah, let’s … not be that guy. Ouch. Go and get your U.A.N.G.F. on instead.

    Similar to how men get when a girl ‘does them wrong’ … it’s like mourning or a grief period but it’s really only mourning the death of a cherished illusion. You’re not gonna get through to a guy in those throes, he has to talk himself through it.


    • “…mourning the death of a cherished illusion.” – Solid gold.

      At that moment, whether you are conscious of it or not, you’re in unknown territory, dealing with a stranger. No matter how much they insist they’re “still the same person”.

      • tharwolf,

        It’s exactly like they died and you’re in the depths of grief … and yet … there’s this doppelganger walking around laughing, smiling and looking great, just with someone else. Twilight Zone.

        Had a girl do that to me so hard and dirty once that I had to disappear from my favourite haunts for a couple of months. Just couldn’t stand to see her out looking so hot with some other dude.

        When I came back around everybody knew what had happened and it turned out the new guy had put an oops baby in her oven. She was beautiful and sexy as hell but apparently also stupid.

        In the end she had three kids with three different men. What a bullet to dodge.

      • Stupid like a fox, perhaps (child support and government handouts, anyone?).

        Excellent example.

        I also love the doppelgänger analogy.

        In my case I felt that, just as you described it, and the death of the potential future I (believed I) had with her.

        It was like an existential execution.

        Yet, she couldn’t comprehend it. To her, she was no different, because her identy is independent of her actions on all but the most superficial of levels.

        Sadly I speak of two separate women and two different sorts of heartbreak, separated by 8 years or more, yet I use the singular, as I can see no way to differentiate their solipsistic reactions.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: