“…I guess that she thought that someone was me”






A recent email I received reads:

My husband led me to your blog… your writing is exquisite and extremely insightful.

I can totally relate to your understanding that men are medicine for women! And it drives me to ask you this question: what’s a female to do when the first medicine she needed was not given to her correctly (lack of fatherly direction and approval), and now she struggles mightily trying to figure out how to get, and take, her medicine properly? How does one repair that damage? Does time ever heal it, like it sometimes does when we’ve been incorrectly dosed by a doctor and we stop that prescription, or is extra intervention always needed? Or maybe… there is no cure?

With sincere appreciation for your insight,

[To which I reply herein].




Years ago, a flirtatious, young lady asked me:


“What do you look for in a woman?”


To which I quickly responded:


Daddy issues, if my track record is any indication.


I share that piece of my past, not to be flippant but to confess that – while have no daughter, nor sister, nor any actual psychological training – I’ve plenty of experience dealing with women that you tacitly describe.


So I ask you to take my words seriously yet with more than a few grains of salt.




First, a female is in a tough position to find a substitute as biology makes such a thing extremely difficult.


The preponderance of men will want something quite unfamilial, thus muddying the waters that were intended to wash away the trauma.


This is no-one’s fault (which worsens matters), it is simply fact.


Still, attempts should be cautiously and carefully made with much older men and, ideally, of some relation (a grandparent, great uncle, et al).


Even then, there’s no guarantee of success but it’s at least possible.




Second, time won’t heal it.


Not really.


This is a cut too deep to mend without stitches.


Worse still, seeking male approval in all the wrong places (sexual encounters) only aggravates the wound and draws ever more blood.


If a substitute can’t be found, at least watch other females in healthy, non-sexual/romantic relationships with men with a studying eye.


Take copious mental notes of the interactions and learn vicariously.


Fortunately, women can live and learn vicariously quite well due to biological factors (mostly due to child-bearing but we can discuss this another time, perhaps).




Third, a woman such as that should read-up on the importance of birth order on a person’s (a man’s, in this context) development.


It’s extremely likely the healthiest relationships she’ll find will be with men born first amongst siblings.


As those men will be far more paternal in their behavior than the others, generally speaking.


Thus fulfilling – in a way – two needed roles.




Lastly, I’ll try to cover an important point without devolving into crassness.


A woman such as the one you describe should beware.


Abusive relationships, faulty D/s dynamics [BDSM kink] and such will all have an almost hypnotic allure to her, as they’ll provide the discipline and structure she’s craved her whole life.


This is not to say she should avoid D/s dynamics or strong men necessarily, but she should definitely follow the points I delineated above to tread the path safely.




That’s the best I can offer; I sincerely hope it’s sufficient.


And thanks for the compliment.


It means more than you’d guess.


Warmest regards,


Charles Spadille



12 Responses to ““…I guess that she thought that someone was me””

  1. ‘Daddy issues, if my track record is any indication.’

    Same…but I probably take the opposite approach you do.

    • Earl,

      I’d say it’s possible, certainly.

      But I’d politely ask:

      Don’t be so sure it’s the opposite.

      Maybe different, sure.

      But not opposite.

      Warmest regards,


  2. Love your blog. As a Father who has an 18-year old daughter, I feel that all women have daddy-issues to some extent. The problem is that a woman always wants “more”. In my case, my daughter competed with her younger brother for my attention and then there was the divorce with my ex-wife (my daughter was 6 at the time).

    Anyway, the experience of raising a daughter has added a lot to my perspective of women. It’s much easier now to manage “more” and keep a lady’s expectations reasonable.

    • Abledad,

      Sincere thanks for your kind words.

      Thanks for commenting.

      There was – many years ago – a blog post by someone that discussed women want one thing- “more”.

      Sadly, it’s lost to the ether.

      But it was excellent.

      If I may be so bold:

      Please share some of the knowledge you’ve gained that helps to “manage “more” and keep a lady’s expectations reasonable.”

      Should you prefer to email me such, my contact link is in the sidebar.

      Sincerest best to you & yours,


      • The answer to managing “more” is simple, and I’ll provide an example.

        To manage “more”, you replace it with “special”. I didn’t go to all of my daughter’s soccer games and choir performances. That simply would have been “more” games and performances. Instead the two of us had times when I would take her to do something “special”, like lunch at a cool diner or video games at an arcade. Those are the experiences that we both treasure.

        So with a lady, don’t give her “more”. Give her “special”, so that she will always want more.

      • walderschmidt Says:


        More please!



    • Abledad,

      Many thanks for the contribution.

      Hope to see more of you.

      All the best to you and yours,


    • Did you find that the divorce intensified these issues of wanting more and competing? (Asking as the father of a 4 1/2 year old daughter).

  3. A♠,

    That’s been my experience too. As the oldest son I was sought out more than once by women with absent fathers – though not abusive ones, to my knowledge.

    It rarely worked precisely because my father-figure persona was mingled with too much laissez-faire. I put up with stuff I shouldn’t have and then it was an attempt to get me to be JUST a father figure, and I wasn’t in a relationship for that.

    Friendzone is friendzone. Nothing there for me. And past a certain level of commitment you’ve basically handed your power over to someone who will abuse you with it.

    Knowing the dynamics of attraction better now, maybe it might have worked. But that’s quite the bucking horse.

    Really good advice for ladies dealing with these things. We’ve watched so many burn their lives to the ground over the years. I hope it is disseminated far and wide.


    • JD,

      As is so often the case:

      Our experiences are very similar.

      Though abuse victims sought (seek?) me out with immense regularity.

      I suppose that’s because I look the way I do.

      Cruel and violent, to be perfectly honest.

      Which I’m neither but the appearance is cultivated intentionally, regardless.

      “Really good advice for ladies dealing with these things. We’ve watched so many burn their lives to the ground over the years. I hope it is disseminated far and wide.”

      Much obliged.

      I hope my post is everything you say.

      All the best to you & yours,


  4. walderschmidt Says:

    Would you consider doing a post on birth order and how it might affect your game? Or maybe point in the direction of where you learned about it?

    Specifically, last born, in my case.

    I suppose given the fact that I’m the last born, I’m naturally more selfish and prone to ‘mommy-issues’.


  5. Excellent insights, thought-provoking as always.

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