“…I guess that she thought that someone was me”

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A recent email I received reads:

My husband led me to your blog… your writing is exquisite and extremely insightful.

I can totally relate to your understanding that men are medicine for women! And it drives me to ask you this question: what’s a female to do when the first medicine she needed was not given to her correctly (lack of fatherly direction and approval), and now she struggles mightily trying to figure out how to get, and take, her medicine properly? How does one repair that damage? Does time ever heal it, like it sometimes does when we’ve been incorrectly dosed by a doctor and we stop that prescription, or is extra intervention always needed? Or maybe… there is no cure?

With sincere appreciation for your insight,
Gwendolyn

 
[To which I reply herein].

 

Gwendolyn,

 

Years ago, a flirtatious, young lady asked me:

 

“What do you look for in a woman?”

 

To which I quickly responded:

 

Daddy issues, if my track record is any indication.

 

I share that piece of my past, not to be flippant but to confess that – while have no daughter, nor sister, nor any actual psychological training – I’ve plenty of experience dealing with women that you tacitly describe.

 

So I ask you to take my words seriously yet with more than a few grains of salt.

 

 

 

First, a female is in a tough position to find a substitute as biology makes such a thing extremely difficult.

 

The preponderance of men will want something quite unfamilial, thus muddying the waters that were intended to wash away the trauma.

 

This is no-one’s fault (which worsens matters), it is simply fact.

 

Still, attempts should be cautiously and carefully made with much older men and, ideally, of some relation (a grandparent, great uncle, et al).

 

Even then, there’s no guarantee of success but it’s at least possible.

 

 

 

Second, time won’t heal it.

 

Not really.

 

This is a cut too deep to mend without stitches.

 

Worse still, seeking male approval in all the wrong places (sexual encounters) only aggravates the wound and draws ever more blood.

 

If a substitute can’t be found, at least watch other females in healthy, non-sexual/romantic relationships with men with a studying eye.

 

Take copious mental notes of the interactions and learn vicariously.

 

Fortunately, women can live and learn vicariously quite well due to biological factors (mostly due to child-bearing but we can discuss this another time, perhaps).

 

 

 

Third, a woman such as that should read-up on the importance of birth order on a person’s (a man’s, in this context) development.

 

It’s extremely likely the healthiest relationships she’ll find will be with men born first amongst siblings.

 

As those men will be far more paternal in their behavior than the others, generally speaking.

 

Thus fulfilling – in a way – two needed roles.

 

 

 

Lastly, I’ll try to cover an important point without devolving into crassness.

 

A woman such as the one you describe should beware.

 

Abusive relationships, faulty D/s dynamics [BDSM kink] and such will all have an almost hypnotic allure to her, as they’ll provide the discipline and structure she’s craved her whole life.

 

This is not to say she should avoid D/s dynamics or strong men necessarily, but she should definitely follow the points I delineated above to tread the path safely.

 

 

 

That’s the best I can offer; I sincerely hope it’s sufficient.

 

And thanks for the compliment.

 

It means more than you’d guess.

 

Warmest regards,

 

Charles Spadille

 

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