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“The way that you treated me… I know I’m not to blame”

Posted in Uncategorized on November 10, 2018 by A♠

7♠

 

 

 

 
First thing tomorrow, I want you to go out and buy grape jelly.

 

Then send me a photo of it.

 

 

 

He thinks I’m joking.

 

Or crazy.

 

Or both.

 

When he called 20 minutes ago, asking advice regarding a spat he just had with a young lady, I’m certain this suggestion was nowhere among those he thought he’d receive.

 

 

 

“Wait. Are you serious?”, he asks.

 

I reply:

 

Very much so.

 

You told me your place is a mess and your roommate ate all the grape jelly you used for sandwiches.

 

Am I correct or did I mishear you?

 

“No, I said that. I mean, I said both things, yeah.”, he confesses – still somewhat confused.

 

I tell him:

 

Good.

 

That proves I’m listening instead of waiting to hear my own voice.

 

So do as I suggest, then clean your place the best you can.

 

For now, forget about her.

 

You have bigger problems.

 

For one, you’re out of jelly for your lunches this week.

 

For two, your place is a mess.

 

Don’t make her moods your third.

 

 

 

Once I clarify with those words, he chuckles a bit.

 

I imagine he’s sensing I may have purpose with my odd demand.

 

The next morning I awake to a picture message of grape jelly.

 

I respond with a simple thumbs up.

 

He goes on to let me know she sent him a message that she misses him.

 

I tell him:

 

It’s the jelly.

 

 

 

He laughs and writes “she could sense I bought jelly and conceded”.

 

I immediately let him know I’m not really joking.

 

I mention my post about women ⁂ ghosting ⁂ .

 

Then write:

 

It’s the jelly.

 

You were busy getting your shit together instead of putting her moods first.

 

 

 

A few minutes pass, then he closes the text exchange with exactly the following:

 

“You were right. But even if you were only half right or wrong, you still hedged your bets. Taking your advice was the best course of action regardless of outcome. My day has been productive and I wasted only a fraction of the time worrying/fuming…

So bravo. And thank you.”

 

7♠

 

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“Lady Luck never smiles, so lend your love to me awhile…”

Posted in Uncategorized on October 30, 2018 by A♠

6♠

 

 

 

 
When I started this “one post a week” challenge to myself, I made the comparison to ⁂ gambling ⁂.

 

Specifically:

“Like a deck of cards, some will be worth more than others.
 
Don’t blame the dealer for that (it’s the nature of the game, after all).
 
Since, in the end—
 
It’s up to you to build a winning hand with them.”

 

 
It’s not by accident I did so and that I chose the handle “Ace of Spades”, years ago.

 

Nor that I write books under the pen name “Charles Spadille” [“Spadille” being the French word for “ace of spades”].

 

Life is gambling on so many levels as to be impossible to delineate properly.

 

Thus, with that firmly in mind, while speaking with frequent commenter Wald, I realized I’ve never addressed how to build a winning hand with “friendzoning”.

 

On its surface, being “friendzoned” is agonizing, disheartening and – to most sufferers – inescapable.

 

Yet being the inveterate cardsharp I am, I feel obliged to offer some assistance to men in the situation.

 

 

 

As I’ve been gently ribbed for not providing “actionable advice”, I’ll uncharacteristically provide such:

 

1} Understand your position. You’ve been declared unsuitable mate material. Railing against it or falling to bitterness will only hurt you. The female in question will only gain victim points if you punish her for her choice (which, frankly and fairly, is entirely – and rightly – hers to make).

 

2} Realize she has extended the offer of “friendship”, which actually puts her in a much weaker position (play-wise) than is readily apparent. She has willingly made herself available for reasonable social requests. If she has made the offer honestly, great for both of you. If not, she’s unwittingly sacrificed the game for a single hand. Either way, you’re set up to take the pot, down the road.

 

3} When the offer is presented to you: allow yourself nothing more than mild disappointment. Quickly smile and be grateful. Sincerely, since she’s just revealed her hand.

 

4} A week or two later, invite her out somewhere public. Make sure it’s somewhere she’ll feel safe and can easily excuse herself, should she wish to do so. Continue to invite her every few weeks until she attends or passes three times. If she passes three times, delete her number. In the unlikely event she contacts you after that, very mildly guilt trip her about not being a friend and ditching you so often. Decide if you wish to continue talking to her, since the ball is solidly in your court now.

 

5} If she takes you up on it, treat her like she were a male acquaintance [not a close friend]. Tease her gently; pay for her if and when you feel like it but not a whit more. Most of all, be sure to flirt with women in her presence. Be bolder than usual but don’t overdo it. Go for phone numbers of other women, even if you doubt you’ll get them.

 

 

 
All that said, why do I recommend that course of action?

 

1} It puts preselection to work for the man in question. An unromantically involved woman willing to be seen with him is better than none.

 

2} It forces her hand in the game. She can decide they are Truly friends, help him move on and share a good time out on the town. Or, she can excuse herself from his life, freeing him from further social obligation.

 

3} Lastly, yet not of least importance, it may (just may) cause her to reconsider her position. He certainly isn’t being clingy or cloying; he is taking charge of his situation.

 

 

 

In the event it must be mentioned, I’ll do so:

 

The key factor in all of this is genuine behavior.

 

Do not do this in hopes of winning her.

 

After all, she’s not a prize.

 

She’s an opposing player.

 

And it’s the role she chose.

 

 

6♠

“Cryin’ won’t help ya; prayer won’t do ya no good…”

Posted in Uncategorized on October 27, 2018 by A♠

5♠

 

 

 

 

“Guess what it is.”

 

His military experience makes the words sound like an order yet his omnipresent affability soften them to a palatable level.

 

Especially for a knee-jerk iconoclast such as myself.

 

 

 

It’s whiskey, I can recognize that much.

 

Lord and liver know I’m intimately familiar with that delightful poison.

 

But just seeing it in the glass is obviously insufficient.

 

So, upon his cue, we toast and sip our respective drinks.

 

 

 

“Well?”

 

This time it’s an outright question, if not necessarily stated.

 

I reply:

 

Maker’s Mark.

 

He laughs with only mildly exaggerated exasperation, saying:

 

“Damn! I can’t fool the oinomancer on anything!”

 

I smirk and laugh along with him.

 

 

 

For the next few hours, I’m blessed with good conversation and a fine meal.

 

My friend’s ample affability is outclassed only by his generosity, I’m lucky to mention.

 

Yet, something has bothered me about the exchange ever since that evening.

 

It was nothing he said or did.

 

It was my reply.

 

 

 

Yes, I guessed correctly.

 

As I said, I know my whiskey.

 

But it was the way I responded.

 

I almost asked as much as I guessed.

 

Not quite.

 

But close enough to bother me.

 

 

 

The unintentional reluctance to own my supposition irks me more than it would most.

 

Hell, most would’ve forgotten it already.

 

Not I.

 

See, nothing in my uncertain tone would’ve bought me a reprieve, were I wrong.

 

My answer would be correct or incorrect.

 

The lack of faith in my course would be of no help whatsoever.

 

In fact, it may have made me look less knowledgeable than I really am.

 

 

 

Thus, I’ve taken a lesson from that brief moment.

 

Weigh the evidence.

 

Use a reasonable amount of time to draw a conclusion.

 

Make the best decision possible.

 

Then act.

 

And realize:

 

By the time action is a necessity, uncertainty is a poor ally.

 

 

5♠

Voices

Posted in Uncategorized on October 20, 2018 by A♠

4♠

 

My computer died this week so, rather than miss a deadline, I decided to post something (even if it isn’t what I’d originally intended). The following is a message I received some time ago and felt it might be worth sharing.

“An observation I have about your writing, especially that clinical, super-objective, research-thesis-like style.

When I read it, I have to force myself to hear you saying the words. Once I do, it all clicks back into place that you’re just a man, a mortal man.

Because if I didn’t know you, (and to be fair, I’m really only beginning to know you), if I couldn’t hear your pronunciation of the words, your meter, I would have difficulty not believing every single thing you wrote at face value. And I mean, everything.

I know I’m not the best example; we already reviewed my levels of gullibility and trust; but when you lay things out in that careful, correct and well-researched manner, it sounds more than professional, it sounds like the words of a Prophet.

Now, God, please forgive me my blasphemy. “

– a regular reader

 

* * *

 

Regular Reader,

I very much appreciate your kind words. However, permit me to point out you haven’t blasphemed. All of the prophets were “just mortal men”. That’s where humanity defeats itself. They expect prophets themselves to be divine. They aren’t; their message is. That tone you hear is Truth. It’s so unfamiliar these days it’s understandable why it would seem almost supernatural. You should believe what I tell you; especially when I take that tone. You’ll come to find you’d likely get to many of my conclusions on your own, regardless, after significant time and effort.

 

Sincerest best wishes,

A♠

 

 

4♠

“There ain’t no companion like…”

Posted in Uncategorized on October 13, 2018 by A♠

3♠

 

 

 

catsanddogs

 

 

While there is more than a little bitterness in the tone of the respondent’s words, I believe her to have a rather solid, accurate picture of the reality I postulated in the previous post.

 

To be clear, this is not to say she has no reason to be bitter.

 

I don’t know her or her situation.

 

My purpose, at this moment, is to point out that male/female-cat/dog is not “good one/bad one”.

 

 

 

Like their counterpart animals, the issue isn’t the nature of them that makes them troublesome or dangerous (simply ask Jackson Galaxy or Cesar Millan) .

 

It’s all (and – barring rare animal brain-maladies – I do mean ALL) in how those that bring the animal in question into their homes and communicate with them.

 

If one’s commands aren’t clear, they won’t be followed.

 

If one’s expectations don’t align with the animals’ well-documented qualities, strengths and weaknesses, then one is in for nothing more than frustration capped with disappointment.

 

If one fails – or refuses – to learn effective means to communicate and necessary maintenance procedures, then one will quickly be without a companion and – instead – have an adversary in one’s living room.

 

 

 

Lastly, it’s best to start off asking the question:

 

“Am I able to keep up the end of this bargain I’ll be entering?”

 

Taking on responsibilities one is completely unprepared to meet (regardless of reason) will make the above tasks exponentially more difficult.

 

Don’t have a cat if you’re allergic to them.

 

Don’t have a dog if you live in a tiny, city apartment.

 

And, most of all, don’t get involved with someone without expecting the level of work it will take to make it worthwhile.

 

 

3♠

“I’m a tiger when I want love…”

Posted in Uncategorized on October 2, 2018 by A♠

2♠

 

 


“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ”

– Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love (1973)

 

 

I’ve never read Heinlein’s work (I know, shame on me; I’m not a big science fiction fan).

 

So, I can say with complete honestly, upon reading the quotation above I went immediately to the Internet to learn—

 

How many times he’d been married.

 

To my utter lack of surprise, I discovered he was twice divorced and thrice married.

 

 

 

To those readers that have been with me for years, it should be guessed instantly that I believe he has it all ※ completely backwards ※.

 

Relatedly, I believe it to be no coincidence that my father’s steadfast insistence “Every boy should have a dog” and the ‘sphere’s somewhat cruel insult to women to “Die alone, surrounded by cats” are intertwined more than most in our modern – post-agrarian – world ever suspect.

 

I’ll dive deeper into this particular theory of mine more in later posts but, for now, I’ll state a handful of points:

 

1} Dogs were domesticated since they traded freedom for nutritional stability and security.

 

2} Cats were domesticated only in the sense of living with humans peaceably. They were not – and are not – trained, per se, because their natural inclinations (hunting vermin) served human needs well enough on their own.

 

3} On the whole, women love cats for their low-maintenance and their independent natures.

 

4} On the whole, men love dogs for their loyalty, willingness to obey and generally submissive natures.

 

5} Neither cat nor dog is superior. They each provide value to different humans. Only need dictates worth.

 

 

 

The comments section on this one may or may not quickly alleviate any need for further posts on this topic.

 

If not:

 

“Just say a word and the boys will be right there

with claws at your back to send a chill through the night air”

 

If so:

 

“…well, that’s alright by me”.

 

 

2♠

“Who can we get on the case?… Someone to put you in place.”

Posted in Uncategorized on September 24, 2018 by A♠

A♦

 

 

 

For those readers that have been paying attention, it should be noticed that I’ve reserved the Ace cards for tidbits regarding myself, personally.

 

To continue that particular trend, I’ll share some facts regarding my past with INS/DHS.

 

To whit, although I was fired for “incompetence”, here are the top three things I created/did during my near decade service with my country’s government.

 

1} I wrote a citizenship test that caught applicants trying to cheat their way past the process. Understand that if an applicant has been a “green card” [I-551] holder for ≥ 20 years, then the requirement to speak English is officially waived. This allows them to have translator present during the exam. Now, I quickly realized the translator would feed the applicant answers or outright lie for them, claiming they’d given the correct answer when they did not. Now, there were – at the time – a pool of 100 questions, of which I was permitted to choose only 10. Thus, to beat the cheats, I asked questions that had only English names as answers. I failed so many this way, my bosses told me to stop failing them if they were fed less than three answers.

 

2} When swearing in applicants at the beginning of the process, I gave directions with words but remained perfectly still. Few people realize just how much body language is the primary means of exchanging information. I failed innumerable applicants unable to speak English (and not exempt the requirement) simply by asking “Raise your right hand” prior to my doing so. So many, in fact, that my first-line supervisor stole the technique to speed through his interviews.

 

3} Prior to those techniques, I was a “badge and gun” officer that briefly questioned those entering the USA via aircraft. Bosses and lawyers would pick apart reasons we front-line officers had for stopping them. So, adapting my training to the pedanticism, I invented the phrase “stress-indicative, non-verbal communication” (to laymen, this means “the person in question was acting suspicious”). Thus, giving bullet-proof articulation to my memos. Within a month, all the dedicated officers at my duty station adopted it.

 

 

 

While this isn’t a technique, I feel I should mention:

 

Officers would look forward to me questioning suspects.

 

Why?

 

Because, far more often than not, I’d catch a good one.

 

In fact, one fellow officer [a former border patrol agent] used to get a shit-eating grin on his face when he’d see me and say:

 

“Alright! [Spadille], is here! Time for [an illegal] to get sent home!”

 

 

 

So for all of those claiming to defend Western civilization:

 

I did.

 

As long as they let me.

 

 

A♦