“This is not a love song; this isn’t fantasy–land…”

 

 

In online profiles, women generally have a laundry–list of criteria.

In the spirit of True equality, here’s a list of things off the top of my head to expect in a romantic relationship with me:

1. Stay in communication with me. You can do what you need to do whenever you need to do it. I understand your time is valuable – but so is mine. So keep me apprised of developments. If you don’t, I won’t be taking any more of your time – or giving you mine.

2. I will respect your decisions, whatever they may be. I will not, however, always agree with/like them. Rest assured, I will tell you when this occurs.

3. I will endeavor to do the right thing often. Sometimes, I will endeavor to do the wrong thing. Oddly enough, I will be able to Truthfully justify my wrong actions more than my right ones. This is life in the real world.

4. I will rant about how too few people follow the rules. I, of course, believe they do not apply to me. This is not hypocrisy; I’m an outlaw.

5. I will be grouchy/cranky with a fair amount of frequency; I will overstate my mood with humor. Learn to enjoy this or our time together will be short, indeed.

6. Chokers – own many, wear them often, love them.

7. Do not be afraid to be feminine. I am not a homosexual, so I find it very, very attractive.

8. Crying is more acceptable than you may believe. But do not expect it to “save” you. I will be sympathetic, not manipulated.

9. I will rush to conflict more rapidly than anyone you’ve ever met. This is in order to arrive at resolution with the utmost alacrity – not because I enjoy conflict (I don’t).

10. We are not attracted to the same things. Realize this to your very soul.

11. Communicate with me on as deep a level as possible – then go two deeper. I’ve seen/experienced more than you’d ever guess so nothing will shock me. That’s a guarantee.

12. You will likely “do more” for me than I “do for you”. See rule 10. If you still don’t understand, that’s fine; it’s very complex – maybe I’ll explain it more someday.

13. I enjoy sex – a great deal. If you don’t, move on.

14. I drink and smoke. Now, this may lessen as we spend time together as my hands and mouth will have more things to occupy them (see Rule 13) but do not expect me to quit either vice. I very well might one day – but don’t bank on it. If I do, it will be for me and no one else.

15. I will not treat you like a princess I’m lucky to have. Nor will I treat you like shit on my shoe. Look in your heart, if you truly want either of those – look elsewhere.

16. I’m a man. If you don’t know all that entails, ask your grandmother (elderly women), they remember them and know how to handle them.

17. Love yourself – because if I’m interested in you, there’s damn good reason you should. I have good taste and don’t waste my time on unworthy people.

18. If you have a problem with me, I expect you to tell me about it. I will continue to behave the way I do until I’m clearly told it is unacceptable. I may continue even afterwords but I’m willing to listen to reason.

19. If I notice something is wrong and ask, your female prerogative permits you one (1) “Nothing.” As a man, it is my duty to ask once more. And only once. If you repeat yourself awaiting further interrogatives, you will continue to wait until pigs fly. More than one repetition on my part means I’m being drawn into childish/pass-agg behavior – this is unacceptable. Expect no further communication from me in any form until you change that tune.

20. Until we are “official” I understand we both will keep our options. We need not discuss this. However, should we become “official”, I will not cheat. If I’m willing to go that far, I’m man enough to accept monogamy.

21. You are free to leave at any time. But, if we are “official”, do not cheat. You will not enjoy the consequences. This is not a threat, simply fair warning and a statement of fact.

22. Should you fairly make use of Rule 21, know that you will be asked why. You will not, however, be pursued. You made your choice, it was respected – farewell.

23. Should you fairly make use of Rule 21 and desire to return at some future point, I may be amenable to such. Although, do not count on my availability.

24. Understand that when I say “I love you” it has likely taken you worlds of effort to get there. That effort has been noted and appreciated. I never, ever use those words as a weapon, tool or some such. It is no more or less than a statement of the level to which I esteem you. I humbly ask you to enjoy them.

25. If I am involved with you, know this: so long as you go by these rules, I will support you in as many ways as I possibly can, I will not take you for granted and, if at any point you feel you will be happier/more fulfilled elsewhere, understand that I will kiss you on the forehead and wish you all the best with the utmost sincerity and ask you to go and live the best life you can. I will never stop loving you on some level and you will have earned the highly respected and valued (in my eyes) title of “former girlfriend”. The sole thing I will ask in return is that you wish me the same.

 

 

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