“What a wicked thing to say… (This world is only gonna break your heart.)”

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Anonymous writes:

“I have a friend. He has found that he loses his attraction for a girl he is chasing the moment that she reciprocates and seems to return his affections. Equally, he is turned off even more by any girl who actively seems to find  him attractive without him having made any efforts with her. He can objectively identify that this is not a healthy mindset but cannot understand why his brain works that way.

My thoughts, which I have told him, are that perhaps his underlying self-image is such that he figures any girl that is attracted to him must have something wrong with her. He hadn’t considered that before and I’ve asked that he try and find the honest answer to that question, since it may require some real introspection.

My question to you is two-fold:

Do you agree with my assessment(and if not, what would yours be?”

 

I do agree with your assessment, wholeheartedly.

My questions in return are:

1} Does he have a close relationship with his mother? Does he seek out her thoughts/opinions, etc with frequency? My instincts lead me to suspect he was weaned on the idea that he isn’t really good enough for anyone [subconsciously], thus, he “won’t belong to a club that would have him as a member”.

2} Did people feel she “spoiled him” growing up? Really, spoiling is – all too often – a means of control rather than genuine affection.

3} Does he possess a fair amount of confidence and competence around men? Such that it almost seems bizarre that he’d have troubles finding/getting/keeping a woman? My thought is he has a solid amount of natural ability yet his upbringing causes him to be self-contradictory in his actions regarding women.

 

“What is the remedy? (A more important, and infinitely more difficult question)”

Honestly?

Start dating women he doesn’t like.

The ‘sphere never mentions the unmentionable:

That we (men and women, both) recreate our relationship with our parents in all our romantic relationships.

This never gets mentioned because it’s terrifying, deep, hard work to repair and, most of all:

A depth of slumber from which few if any are ready to wake.

Of course, when I say “women he doesn’t like” I mean for the reasons you’ve given me. [They’re good to him; attracted to him]

It will take a while, but he’ll start to change past bad patterns and replace them with new, healthy ones.

This will occur with more than just women, though it will be difficult to spot as it will occur over time.

I do hope you found this useful.

All my best to you and your friend,

– A♠

 

 

 

 

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