“Your membrane will be soft and smooth and your heart will be mine…”
Uh oh.
It’s that time of year again.
When the most horrific aspects of the human psyche are laid bare.
Thus I present:
DAWN OF THE MANOSPHERE!!!
That’s right, women:
Feminists and non-feminists, alike, are now in the gravest of danger!
(We hate ALL women, after all!)
We men have begun crawling forth from the deepest, most abysmal parts of teh interwebs (and our mothers’ basements) to come and get you!
Maybe we’ll R@PE you with our laughably tiny micropenises [micropeni?].
Maybe we’ll butcher you like the twisted serial killers we are beneath all that “nice guy” bullshit you’ve long-since learned to unmask.
What with your keen observational skills gleaned from watching “reality TV” and staring at your iPhone screen and all.
But you’ll never see us!
You’ll only hear our labored breathing, since the only exercise we get is from playing World of Warcraft!
(Or perhaps the occasional LARP.)
(Or Final Fantasy. But not Final Fantasy 11; that sucked.)
You’ll only smell our fetid stench from our terrible lack of hygiene!
And you’ll only know we’re there by the tell-tale trail of Cheeto™/Dorito™ dust left in our wide – VERY wide – wake!
So, tremble!
Tremble to your strong, independent core as if you’d read a post by Matt Forney!
Yes, we are THAT terrifying!
BEEEEEWWWWWWAAAAAAARRRRRREEEEEE!!!!!
Ω
80-Proof Oinomancy 
October 31, 2013 at 5:44 am
I actually chuckled a bit at this, though I laughed harder at the “Take a photo of this meal to preserve its epicurian glory.” in your ““Tear into my heart; Make me do it again…” post. At any rate, sounds like you had fun with this one. Thanks again for doing what you do, and I wish you the best on All Hallows my friend. Be well.
November 1, 2013 at 4:09 am
Red,
Many thanks.
It means a great deal.
October 31, 2013 at 6:55 am
Thanks for a good laugh
November 1, 2013 at 4:09 am
Leap,
You’re quite welcome.
Very pleased you enjoyed it.
October 31, 2013 at 7:08 am
They all needed a good scary story for All Hallow’s Eve.
November 1, 2013 at 4:08 am
Earl,
And who am I to deny them?
October 31, 2013 at 2:41 pm
This is what happens when Ace writes sober.
November 1, 2013 at 4:08 am
Vicomte,
I laughed out loud at that comment.
Brilliant.
I read it as:
“4/10.
Not good but at least I can dance to it.”
And look for a bottle of Jim Beam Devil’s Cut in the mail.
November 1, 2013 at 8:31 am
[…] Tremble to your strong, independent core as if you’d read a post by Matt Forney! […]
March 15, 2014 at 7:11 pm
Ace,
10 years blogging. Holy hell dude that’s pretty damn impressive.
This post found me. I haven’t read as much of you as I should. So I clicked on your archive and choose October 2013. I started my blog that month so it just made sense.
Then I read this
“But you’ll never see us!
You’ll only hear our labored breathing, since the only exercise we get is from playing World of Warcraft!”
I read that and instantly flashed to Matt forney in New Orleans. He is the fucking same way in person hahahah. Always making elaborate ways he would end your life. The more I laughed the darker he went. Hilarious.
“Tremble to your strong, independent core as if you’d read a post by Matt Forney!”
And he sticks the landing.
Excellent post Ace can’t wait to keep reading.
Sploosh.
April 15, 2015 at 5:00 pm
[…] “Your membrane will be soft and smooth and your heart will be mine…” (Greenskeepers – Lotion) […]