“He can’t even run his own life, I’ll be damned if he’ll run mine…”

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A young man wrote to me saying:

 

“Twitter seems particularly bad for the ability to work out if someone’s the real deal or not. Plenty of guys about selling themselves very very hard. Some even do it under the guise of humble authenticity.”

 

Given the plethora of charlatans and snake-oil peddlers our humble corner has attracted, I believe it to be a pertinent (if somewhat tardy) topic.

 

Additionally, being the man I am, I felt I should share my reply with wider audience to be of more encompassing use.

 

 

 

Let’s look at the major facet that must be addressed before anything else.

 

If a man is living a hedonistic lifestyle, then the last thing he’s concerned about is sitting down and helping poor saps find the party he has.

 

Simply because that’s not “fun”.

 

 

 

Sure, it’s rewarding.

 

Absolutely, it’s important.

 

Definitely, it’s spiritually refreshing.

 

But “fun” it most certainly is not.

 

 

 

☞ Now to a convenient list of actionable advice:

 

1} Mentoring/advising regarding the topics with which the ‘sphere  wrestles demand an honest man recount the myriad failings, errors and outright tragedies that pulled him to wisdom like a particularly recalcitrant donkey to an even heavier burden. If he’s even so much as willing to share those, it’s infinitely more likely he’s – to quote ► Nick B. Steves ◄ – “the real deal”.

 

2} Every artist with even a shred of Truth within himself will admit he “believes the scissors are used more than the eraser”. That means literally everything you see by them has been carefully cut, molded, scripted and hammered vociferously into the shape upon which you now gaze. Ask any musician, filmmaker or author: there’s way more on the cutting room floor than will ever hit the shelves. Thus, if you’re not seeing flaws, then you’re seeing a product – not a person.

 

3} If a man has hit the level where he can mentor, he’s very often long past the surface appearance where anyone will think he’s worth asking. Who asks 80 year old men how they got their wife of 58 years? No one, that’s who. If you need a pop culture example: look at the original Star Wars. The whole reason Obi Wan was a bad ass was you’d never think of him as such. You’re too busy seeing what time and tide has done to him. That pairing wears down the mountains, themselves; “Alpha” is not immune. [Side note: one of the reasons I knew I was always ahead of the game was he was my favorite in the film and no one else’s).

 

4} Understand actual, genuine growth and improvement is difficult, time-consuming and a (frequently) depressing endeavor. If it weren’t, everyone would do it. How many people even walk an extra few feet from the car, let alone walk to the store? Exactly. So if anyone tells you that you can accomplish what they have easily, then it’s probable that what they have is a sham. As Jimi Hendrix – arguably one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time – said to a kid that voiced a desire to be able to play like him: “No, you don’t. Because while you were at parties, I was alone in my room practicing. While you were on dates, I was alone in my room practicing.  While you were on road trips with friends,  I was alone in my room practicing.”

 

5} Lastly (for the time being, at least), whether you believe in Jesus Christ being a divine being or not, realize he changed the entire world with only 12 men following him while he lived. Plus, many of them thought him foolish, mad or downright unreasonable at times and abandoned him in his time of need. Men worthy of following aren’t here to be liked— they’re here to be respected. Follower count is a bad metric. In fact, I lean toward the belief that – if it’s high – they’re likely bullshit. [See point 4]

 

 

 

As always, ► you’re welcome to bet against me ◄ in all of this.

 

But realize what’s at stake.

 

And the one card you know I’m holding.

 

 

 

 

 

10♣

 

 

☞ [This particular line is a tongue in cheek joke for long-time readers]

“I don’t have to look at you to see it in your eyes…”

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Almost five years ago to the day, I gave one of my most controversial, misunderstood (innocently or willfully) and quoted (both sincerely and sarcastically) pieces of advice.

 

It was simply this:

 

► “When it comes to women: It’s best to put your worst foot forward.” ◄

 

 

 

Needless to say, the sentence itself was what ended up most tightly clutched. 

 

Many seemed to miss the brief yet comprehensive explanation beneath it:

 

Show them the rage/pain/turmoil within you poetically, incrementally, unashamedly and, most of all, unapologetically.

 

To make it even more plain here:

 

Be yourself. 

 

In the darker sense.

 

It’s not to suggest you engage in abusive, acerbic, anti-social behavior.

 

It’s to advise you to let others (women) know you have vulnerabilities, the capacity for righteous anger, and – in short – boundaries that you will show tooth and claw to defend.

 

This is important to do (to reasonable degrees) around most of the people in your life, regardless of their sex.

 

However, around women it’s exceedingly important.

 

 

 

Understand, women always look under the surface, regardless whether the surface is good or bad.

 

They are always reading subtext.

 

Subtext is their default language; overt exchange is not.

 

It’s a major reason why males find females so aggravating/frustrating.

 

 

 

Such things are difficult for men to grasp because men, on the whole, do not navigate a web of lies.

 

Women do.

 

Men will lie for sex; women will lie to sabotage, undermine and outright destroy one another in competition (since they lack the capacity to do so physically).

 

Thus, subtext as primary communication is a feature, not a bug.

 

Hating women for such is akin to hating the dog for barking.

 

The communication method that served it best, the longest, has won out.

 

Accept it.

 

Now to tie it all together.

 

 

 

Remember, women are always on the lookout for danger (again, due to their weaker physicality)

 

The search to uncover lurking threats is constantly active.

 

Add that fact to the web of lies they must traverse, strand by strand – every day, and it’s a given that females will rarely (if ever) trust what is right in front of them for fear of hidden danger.

 

At this point, take a moment and recall your own observations

 

 

 

My guess is they add up to:

 

“Nice guys” are labeled “creepy” and avoided or joked about as being serial killers or some such nonsense.

 

While cads, thugs and deadbeats always seem to have a heart of gold that only women can see.

 

Thus, I say to you:

 

Put your worst foot forward—

 

So that the ladies eagerly, optimistically await the other shoe to drop.

 

 

 

 

 

9♣

“When the night has come and the land is dark…”

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Training for my federal law enforcement career at FLETC in Brunswick, GA in 1998 was a mostly miserable experience.

 

I had no car, no television, no phone, no internet.

 

There were also 600 men for every woman (approximately).

 

I was literally fenced in behind chain link and barbed wire; I had a mini-swamp outside below my window forcing me to choose between suffocating heat or the stench of rotting vegetation.

 

However, those factors created a surprising outcome.

 

 

 

I ended up writing letters to my brother, father and a few friends.

 

I said things I never would have said, otherwise.

 

And I regret none of them.

 

In fact, I’m grateful I wrote ever last syllable.

 

 

 

Now, if you’ve been following my return to writing here over the past few weeks, you’ll have seen I’ve assigned homework. 

 

Furthermore, if you’ve taken my assignments seriously and done them, you may have noticed a trend they exhibit.

 

I assure you, there is a larger lesson and further goal in the distance.

 

 

 

Continuing my efforts, this week’s post is another step on that particular road.

 

However, this one requires some of the emotional strength you’ve been building.

 

To keep things brief, I’ll get right to it:

 

Write a letter (or email) to someone (a non-sexual/non-romantic friend/ally/acquaintance) letting them know how much you appreciate them.

 

Shoot for respectful gratitude.

 

Neither gush or grovel.

 

But don’t qualify things, either.

 

Just show appreciation, respect and humility.

 

 

 

This exercise serves a few purposes:

 

1} You’ll realize voicing your need for what another person brings to your life makes you neither weak (nor homosexual, depending on whom you contact).

 

2} You’ll get a clearer image of what you need out of life and from the people you meet along the way.

 

3} Lastly, you’ll discover just how much taking the time to say a few brief works can impact someone.

 

If, for some reason, you currently feel unable to do this, I sincerely ask you to try at some point in the future.

 

 

 

 

 

8♣

 

“You could be right, they might come for me at night – an angry mob with torches bright outside my door…”

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I do a great deal of research at a local college library.

 

It suits me there because it stays open late (0200 closing, most nights).

 

Needless to say, I’ve become solid acquaintances (I don’t like throwing around the word “friends” lightly) with some of the employees. 

 

 

 

While chatting with one of the staff, I watched a female coworker of his celebrate her successful effort to manipulate/guilt him into buying her soda just prior to my arrival.

 

Like so many men, he had aresigned look as if this is just the way things are supposed to be.

 

Anyone that’s spent even a moderate amount of time reading/listening to me should accurately guess what happened next.

 

 

 

See, I lost my government career standing up for what’s right.

 

So I sure as Hell will put the impression of me held by a few night-shifters at risk for it.

 

I looked her in the eye as I addressed him:

 

I’d have told her the water fountain is over there. 

 

Of course, once her initial shock faded, she immediately complained about fountain water’s temperature and level of filtration.

 

I cut her off, tersely saying:

 

Then bring money next time. 

 

Or go thirsty.

 

It’s no one’s problem but yours.

 

I then turned my gaze on him, and quoted ► my first book ◄:

 

 

If you give your dog a treat every time it pisses on the carpet, then don’t be shocked by the cleaning bill.

 

 

 

This brings me to this week’s homework assignment.

 

Practice saying “no” and voicing displeasure.

 

Of course, use thoughtful discretion regarding any helpless children or employers (for reasons I believe to be obvious).

 

But, otherwise, stand firm.

 

 

 

Now, one thing to keep in mind is tone and attitude while doing such.

 

Don’t be petulant. 

 

Don’t whine.

 

Don’t be combative.

 

[If absolutely necessary, leave the area right after, until you get accustomed to disappointing/upsetting people.]

 

In short:

 

Simply “be yourself”.

 

And understand that act is often much more difficult than is commonly realized.

 

 

 

 

 

7♣