Men like me, who reached sexual maturity before the internet, often bemoan the lack of available knowledge in dealing with the opposite sex when we most needed it.
And they’re right to do so.
But, as usual, my reasons for doing such are different than most.
See, most men in that category do so because they lament the countless missed opportunities.
Now, I’d be a fool and a liar to say I did not feel the same.
To a point.
But mine goes deeper, and darker, than that.
I wish I’d had the currently available knowledge then because:
I’d have hung up on more women than I can remember once they started bitching about some non-problem or another.
I’d have kept the money I earned working in America’s most dangerous city rather than fuel some flakey broad’s whims.
I’d have put my foot down sooner and saved myself a shit-ton of trouble long before it circled around and bit me in the ass.
Hard.
I’d have taken break-ups for what they were; something all too frequently more easily replaced than changing a tire.
I’d have had better sex with far less effort.
[I have a theory that a woman’s sexual skill is slightly inversely proportional to how hot she is.
Since hot girls think their looks is all that’s necessary in the bedroom.
But that’s for another post, another day.]
Now, some may read this post and say:
“So you’re saying you wish you knew then what you know now so you could have been more of a dick?!”
“Do you think falling from such high, socially enviable, secure (seemingly) positions has changed you life goals, or your value of those positions?”
I want to reply:
Do you mean – do I feel as though I missed out on so many things that most people do in their youth because I wanted to get into law enforcement?
Are you asking if I regret not misbehaving or getting into trouble or experimenting with drugs because I refused to jeopardize my shot at my goal?
Is the purpose of the question to determine if I was crestfallen to learn that my record prior to the age of 18 would’ve had no effect?
Or that no one believed I never experimented with drugs or even drank or smoked underage?
Or that my bosses did all the things I thought would hobble my efforts (and more) and had not only done my job but advanced far beyond me?
Is the interrogative aimed at discovering the degree to which I fell into depression once I realized I was twice as smart as (if not more than) the vast majority of my co-workers or my supervisors (especially my supervisors)?
Or my sorrow at being fired for “incompetence” even though I’d written the tests they use, I created the interviewing techniques they adopted and I coined the terminology that they “borrowed” when completing memos?
Or my suicidal behavior upon realizing that lofty and high-paid positions rarely involve merit – rather the ability to maintain the status quo, to shut up and do as one is told?
Or is the real question:
Am I utterly despondent at learning the nigh on impossible standards I set for myself – and achieved – were shared by no one I’d ever met yet I was ousted in disgrace thus rendering my almost monastic self-discipline during my youth needless and, worse yet, pointless?
It may seem, to many, an inconsistency why men that write/perform weepy love songs of loss and pain get more kitty than the SPCA.
Well, to my few loyal readers, I’m going to tell you why that is.
1} Preselection = The musicians are stating clearly, sans braggadocio, that they can get – and have gotten – women. The self–effacing delivery actually bolsters credibility in certain circumstances and art is one of them.
2} Every woman sees herself in every other. They are built that way. Therefore, she sees that if one woman won the artist’s heart so deeply and powerfully, she could, too.
3} The song and its message demonstrate the capability and willingness of the artist to heavily invest emotionally in a woman while not professing such obsequiously and directly to the female listener. This indirect method is the very way women communicate, thus it is immediately understood.
In short, wise musicians know that the songs of unrequited love they pen and perform are never Truly for the woman that inspired them.
The enchanting [I choose that word very carefully] melodies are, in reality, for the next beautiful, young woman to come along.
See, even average looking girls are approached numerous times a day.
So they use as many easily observable characteristics as possible to make quicken and simplify the selection process.
What it took me way too long to figure out (for which, once more, I blame my mother) is:
If a man wants a certain type of woman he needs to dress as though he’s her type of mate.
This seems basic (and it is) but it’s staggering how many guys don’t get it.
If you want Goth girls, you’ve got to dress Goth.
If you want fashionable girls, dress in the latest styles.
If you want country girls, dress country.
Silly to say it, but in this day and age, it needs to be said.
As far as grooming goes:
1} Hygiene above all.
2} If you want a mustache, there’s a great deal that must go with it; it must be full, thick and end where the lower lip begins. Also, your hair must be cut short at the sides and back (though not buzz–cut) while being longer (2-3”) on the top and combed back. You should also be about 30 or older, and generally dress professionally/business casually. Also, you must be clean-shaven, otherwise; no 5 o’clock shadow. Be sure your clothes are classic, if not in-style, so as to not be a used car salesman. Lastly, and most importantly, you must go all-in with it. Ignore comments mocking it or asking you to shave. Do not try to win approval for it. Prove you are wearing it for you and will not be around people that want you to change it. That’s how Tom Selleck does it.
2} Goatees = are worn and tired. However, if you’re balding badly and have a weak chin, absolutely grow one. Again, you must be clean-shaven, otherwise; no 5 o’clock shadow. Your head should also be shaved very, very regularly and thoroughly. Be sure to use sunscreen all over your head and be sure to get plenty of sun year ’round, so as to not be too pasty. Learn to trim your goatee with meticulous precision.
3} Long hair = be acne free, an appropriate weight and do not wear glasses. (Yes, I am breaking the last two rules, as I’m a little overweight and can’t afford contacts at the moment, and I am wrong. I am working to change that.) Don’t dress outlandishly but be sure to dress with an edge. Don’t have a mustache, goatee or beard with it. It’s too much at that point (although, you can go for the Lemmy look but you’d best be bad-ass enough to pull it off). No gaming t-shirts or anything that screams “nerd”. Far too many computer guys and geeks think long hair makes them cool; it doesn’t. Instead, it tends to give the impression they’re just too lazy to get a haircut.
In online profiles, women generally have a laundry–list of criteria.
In the spirit of True equality, here’s a list of things off the top of my head to expect in a romantic relationship with me:
1. Stay in communication with me. You can do what you need to do whenever you need to do it. I understand your time is valuable – but so is mine. So keep me apprised of developments. If you don’t, I won’t be taking any more of your time – or giving you mine.
2. I will respect your decisions, whatever they may be. I will not, however, always agree with/like them. Rest assured, I will tell you when this occurs.
3. I will endeavor to do the right thing often. Sometimes, I will endeavor to do the wrong thing. Oddly enough, I will be able to Truthfully justify my wrong actions more than my right ones. This is life in the real world.
4. I will rant about how too few people follow the rules. I, of course, believe they do not apply to me. This is not hypocrisy; I’m an outlaw.
5. I will be grouchy/cranky with a fair amount of frequency; I will overstate my mood with humor. Learn to enjoy this or our time together will be short, indeed.
6. Chokers – own many, wear them often, love them.
7. Do not be afraid to be feminine. I am not a homosexual, so I find it very, very attractive.
8. Crying is more acceptable than you may believe. But do not expect it to “save” you. I will be sympathetic, not manipulated.
9. I will rush to conflict more rapidly than anyone you’ve ever met. This is in order to arrive at resolution with the utmost alacrity – not because I enjoy conflict (I don’t).
10. We are not attracted to the same things. Realize this to your very soul.
11. Communicate with me on as deep a level as possible – then go two deeper. I’ve seen/experienced more than you’d ever guess so nothing will shock me. That’s a guarantee.
12. You will likely “do more” for me than I “do for you”. See rule 10. If you still don’t understand, that’s fine; it’s very complex – maybe I’ll explain it more someday.
13. I enjoy sex – a great deal. If you don’t, move on.
14. I drink and smoke. Now, this may lessen as we spend time together as my hands and mouth will have more things to occupy them (see Rule 13) but do not expect me to quit either vice. I very well might one day – but don’t bank on it. If I do, it will be for me and no one else.
15. I will not treat you like a princess I’m lucky to have. Nor will I treat you like shit on my shoe. Look in your heart, if you truly want either of those – look elsewhere.
16. I’m a man. If you don’t know all that entails, ask your grandmother (elderly women), they remember them and know how to handle them.
17. Love yourself – because if I’m interested in you, there’s damn good reason you should. I have good taste and don’t waste my time on unworthy people.
18. If you have a problem with me, I expect you to tell me about it. I will continue to behave the way I do until I’m clearly told it is unacceptable. I may continue even afterwords but I’m willing to listen to reason.
19. If I notice something is wrong and ask, your female prerogative permits you one (1) “Nothing.” As a man, it is my duty to ask once more. And only once. If you repeat yourself awaiting further interrogatives, you will continue to wait until pigs fly. More than one repetition on my part means I’m being drawn into childish/pass-agg behavior – this is unacceptable. Expect no further communication from me in any form until you change that tune.
20. Until we are “official” I understand we both will keep our options. We need not discuss this. However, should we become “official”, I will not cheat. If I’m willing to go that far, I’m man enough to accept monogamy.
21. You are free to leave at any time. But, if we are “official”, do not cheat. You will not enjoy the consequences. This is not a threat, simply fair warning and a statement of fact.
22. Should you fairly make use of Rule 21, know that you will be asked why. You will not, however, be pursued. You made your choice, it was respected – farewell.
23. Should you fairly make use of Rule 21 and desire to return at some future point, I may be amenable to such. Although, do not count on my availability.
24. Understand that when I say “I love you” it has likely taken you worlds of effort to get there. That effort has been noted and appreciated. I never, ever use those words as a weapon, tool or some such. It is no more or less than a statement of the level to which I esteem you. I humbly ask you to enjoy them.
25. If I am involved with you, know this: so long as you go by these rules, I will support you in as many ways as I possibly can, I will not take you for granted and, if at any point you feel you will be happier/more fulfilled elsewhere, understand that I will kiss you on the forehead and wish you all the best with the utmost sincerity and ask you to go and live the best life you can. I will never stop loving you on some level and you will have earned the highly respected and valued (in my eyes) title of “former girlfriend”. The sole thing I will ask in return is that you wish me the same.
80-Proof Oinomancy 